March 10, 2002

• I am full of sludge.  Sick ever since Tuesday when the chills claimed my bones.  Sleep.  Up again to go to work.  Sick.  Work.  Sleep.  I tried my little herbal tricks and enema cleanses.  Still sick.  Fell over at work, glad I was alone.  Buzzing, buzzing, spinning, zapping.....fuck the flourescent lights were humming so loud and all the servers were sucking vital life energy from me.  I could feel my blood being drained.  In those few minutes that I laid on the floor, spinning in some ultra-reality, I could feel my light being drained and my person being digitally programmed.  I knew it all along but I just flicked the reality switch off and joined my counterparts in productivity.  Work, buy, spend, swallow pills to fix all your ills, watch tv........no, I still knew better than to watch the tv, but the pc.....

  
  

  Only 4 days sick with no relief in sight.  I went to the doctor.  I took myself to urgent care after work yesterday.  I need help.  Yes, I certainly did.  I have another sinus infection, really bad.  Ear infection, quite severe, which explains my falling over and dizzy spells.  Strep throat which is why I cannot swallow.  Antibiotics.  Amoxicillin.  Yes.  Today I love those pills for I know I am on the way back from the dead.

  
  

  But that is not the breaking news, or the burden that has been lifted from my heart and shoulders.  I put my notice in at work too.  GOD that felt so good, such relief.  I danced in the hall when I hit send.  My job does not feed my soul, it steals it, and I will not allow that to happen anymore.  I can check groceries in a store or greet peeps at the door of a fancy hotel.  I don't need a lot of money, although it helps to fund my adventures.  Man, I feel such relief.  The boss, who I also consider a close friend, has not even acknowledged my notice.  He pretended it wasn't there.  I let it bother me at first and then I realized how full of shit that is.  I feel so privileged to know my heart and spirit so well that I can make choices based on what is good for ME, not someone else's SHOULD.  Keep your guilt in church where it belongs, thank you.

  
  

  Yeah, my reality is a bit altered with sickness, but that is just what I needed to go inside and decide what it is my BEing needs to stay well.  The list hasn't changed, everything is the same and I am a better person for suffering.  I am rich with emotion and visions and I am learning slowly but surely, just how OK it is to be REAL.

  
  

  I'm smiling now.  I'm crying too.  Happy rain. 

  
  

  I still wonder how I can switch the wind off though, it's blowing bloody hard, disrupting the energies.  I thought last night, as I lay quiet in bed, just switch it off JoAnn, the wind will obey.  For a moment that was true, maybe two, but then everything else came creeping in and I lost my concentration.  So there is wind.  I am going to perfect that wind switch though because I know I can.

  
  

  I AM STRONG.

  
  

  BE WELL.

  • 9:15 am
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