March 12, 2002

• I'm so close, yet there is nothing I can touch or taste.  Grasp, reach, envelop.  The closer I move, the less I allow to encroach.  I'll speak my truth sound.  I have forgotten how to be loud.  It's quiet here, in this lake of light, wind, stars.  I saw flowers flow from my mouth, flowers of every color, sound and creation. I wept.  It was the most beautiful thing I had ever felt, yet it felt too much. I had to look away.  I'm not ready for that part yet, not today.  I'm not quiet enough yet, not content enough inside.

  
  

  No reason, other than time. 

  
  

  Process.

  
  

  Release.

  
  

  My time will come and I will give it back to you.  You'll feel it.  I can't show you.  You'll feel it.  When I can feel it for all that it is, and all that it was, then I can share it with you.  It's the most beautiful thing.

  
  

  I have not killed another living thing.  Living things have died because of me.  Conscious.  Conscience.  UNconscious.  Dreams.  The clock was digital and turned 11:11 right in front of my eyes, and then I knew.  It's time to die again.   The car backed up quickly and smashed Peter's legs.  I jumped up the pole.  Then the men came.  Busy, so many things, here is what we have to do.  I watched Peter get shot, him and several others, right in front of my eyes.  We were soldiers, on a mission of doom.  We knew our fate before we left, but there was no time for thought.  This was it.  I don't know how I felt, if anything. I sat there behind the bed, and asked someone for a gun.  I tried to shoot.  It didn't work.  They laughed at me.  Everyone was dead, except for me and them.  They left me alone.  I don't know if I had sadness, I was feeling like I was too late or maybe if they would have let us think we could have done what we knew we wanted to do.  But we knew it was going to happen, exactly down to the last detail, like a HollyWood script. 

  
  

  I know what it means, but I have no words to type for it.  It's that shattered glass in my eyes, the speckle from the dawn of yesterday, which is only tomorrow, and has already been discovered.....it's just waiting for me to return.

  
  

  Bill wants me to tell all of you, especially his Mother and Father...... TURN OFF YOUR TV!

  • 8:26 pm
  • 5 Comments