March 19, 2002

• I haven't been in a good space.  It's hard when I feel so icky sick.  If it isn't one thing, it's another, and there is still more to come.  Tom told me to remember when I was well and choose that for today, but I hardly remember when that was, if ever, if ever there was such a day.

  
  

  My freedom is only a few weeks away, but nothing seems longer than day after day after day.  Who's freedom will this be anyway?  Mine, just mine, but I will let them come along for the ride....but I will call the shots, and that's the way it is!  We'll write the songs together though, that we will.

  
  

  I've been gathering paints and jewels for my body in the sun and sand.  I'll let them paint me, adorn me, and take their pictures too.  It will be beautiful and I will not assist.  Just shut up and take it in JoAnn.  Yeah, just be quiet and let it be what it is. 

  
  

  I've been pretty shut up lately anyway.  I sit for hours on end, candles lit, sitting quiet, staring into space.  Nothing else.  Quiet, listening to my thoughts over and over again.  I don't know where my rhyming spirit went though, he almost seems gone.  But then again, I haven't been in a good space.  I reckon that is normal though and time, although an illusion, is really quite a friend.

  
  

  Sometimes I think I will let myself love someone again.  I know you wish and wish it was him.  And I've tried a hundred million times and it's always the same.  What is it about he?  And what is wrong with him?  It's nothing, but I cannot deny my spirit, or my fire.  I hate to see you cry tears dressed in my name.  Perhaps I could swallow a cow, or eat a great big pig.  Let my hair grow everywhere and let my teeth rot out, would you like me then?  Yeah, of course you would, but you shouldn't you see, because I am fucked up in the head and I am the only one that can handle me.

  
  

  I don't mind to be alone.  I don't mind it at all.  Often times I prefer it, as long as I have my dog.  Yeah, but I AM just being selfish again....just being selfish again......just being selfish again.

  
  

  I'll find my good space again. I will.  I'll sleep well at night and greet the morning sun with a smile.  I'll sing happy songs and skip down the grocery aisles.  I'll wash my hair in the rain and dance naked on the lawn.  Flowers in my hair.  Yes, that is how I found my spirit the first time, how I fell in love with myself.  I danced naked in the sun.  I danced naked in the sun and swirled myself around like a swallow caught in the breeze.  I tuned out all of the World and let myself BE.  I AM going to have that again, and I'll be so beautiful.  Inside and out, beautiful, just beautiful, and free, so free.

  
  

  Soon...

  • 9:01 pm
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