November 22, 2003

• I ought to tell the truth.  I ought not lie.  Usually I do until...... I want to die.

  
  

  There is no reason to explain the pain that I feel.  It cuts so deep and nothing and forever is the only thing that's real. 

  
  

  Can you feel it plain?  If not, I'll try to explain, but remember....I don't care anymore and I can't remember when I did.

  
  

  Take your medication and wait for the cure.

  
  

  I've tried.

  
  

  I watched a deer die today.  I knew it would happen, it always does, but I never had to see it.  Usually women folk go away and pretend it isn't true.  

  
  

  But not today. 

  
  

  I saw the BUCK so free, so scared, running, now dead.  Shot down in his prime.  Gutted.  A piece of meat we don't even need.  There are no hungry mouths here to feed.  But his rack, this manlihood, yes, that cost him his life, and I am eternally sad because I saw the breath that killed him dead and I no longer have a clue.

  
  

  Tears do not matter.  Affection is a sham, but my heart hurts in places it's never been and I don't understand, why the striving to stay alive must die and the wishing to be dead survive.

  
  

  I will always cry.  Why don't I die? 

  
  

  I gave it thought.  I watched blood ooze from my clumsy ways and imagined brighter days, but when the cut comes it's sharp and I haven't the heart.

  
  

  I don't know where to BE.

  
  

  I'm going to take the pills and hope it goes away, but for today and for many dots in between......I'm just sad.

  • 7:28 pm
  • 3 Comments