February 29, 2008
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What Happened?
What is this place and who are these people? I don't know this place anymore, I really don't. Everytime I come here it is different and I just can't keep up. It feels overwhelming to try and figure it out. I'm sorry. I don't want to even try.
I've made new friends, but they don't even know who I AM. Neither do I. I've BEcome a baffling enigma, quick with the laughs but short with the facts. The facts are all lies and I can't make them up quick enough.
I've turned into a cartoon.
I'm scattered and battered, bewildered and tired, so very tired. I'm not sure what has gotten in to me, or out of me, but I feel rather alien as of late.
I bought a new iMac last week so, there is some news anyway. I'm not using it now though so... hope this XP post suits. I never learned about macs so it's all new, but I'm getting there. I'm just so tired, you know? Everything hurts and the headaches are coming back again. I'm losing interest in everything and everything is all at once, and it's heavy.
I don't want to deal with reality. I admit.
I just want to go back to when it was jolly. Nothing but laughs. When I didn't have to cry for no reason at al,l or for too many reasons at once.
I miss my fucking dog more now than I did a month ago. It hasn't got easier and I can't stand to see a picture of him. It fucking hurts because I guess now, I realize he is really gone....and I hate it. I just hate it. I want my dog back!
I obsessed for weeks creating and writing and staying up late...I can't do that to myself. I'm fragile and the lack of proper rest catches up with me quick. I hate that I know that, but still allow it. I was never a fan of hate but shit...I'm just so alien as of late and I'm having a hard time deciphering reality from past life, or future life, or lack of life, or life. Nary a thing makes much sense and I wonder what the fuck is it all about anyway? Why even bother?
It's normal I guess. We all have to jump through hoops and spit out our fancy tricks. So BE it! I'm jumpin' and spitting but I tell you what, I'm really tired. So I'll apologize to myself once more and stay up late trying to figure it out. No, I need rest. Proper rest and some kind of magic trick.
I gave the vampires blood yesterday. I spent a long time visualizing my bloodstream flowing pristine. I inhaled bubbles of light and let them dance about inside, popping and filling me with love and light. Then I exhaled all the nasty virus shit in me out. But it hides so damn well, and now I feel it dancing around in me, mocking me, stealing my breath. I feel so old and my SPIRIT has taken a real hit.
Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, tigth, fight, fight, figth, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, igthg, fight, ffight, tgight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, figth, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fiht, thight,......see... you'd get tired of the FIGHT too!
Save me Baby, save me! I don't want to go down in this sinking ship. If you could just hold me and rock me while I cried, and told me it's everything is going to be alright, I'd BElieve you.
I would.
BE WELL. ♥
Comments (5)
{{{hugs}}}
Are days you make me cry just a little dear......... a little tear...
I'm not worthy to even read ur shit, let alone a appreciate it...
You got a fucking iMac??? Plug that sucker in... It woulda caught ur typo with that stinkin' ship thingie.....
Ignore Me.... We all fade in time with deadlines....
/////////
Hey!!! And wtf is up with xanga? I kin make only some bare sense of it....
Did I say ignore me yet?
Don't block Me.... :->
hi im a random, i have been having troubles as of late and found just having a bath by myself just listening to music has helped, it helps clear my head and deal with what is upsetting me and try and come to logical conclusions about what i can do to change the way i am feeling, eg if im feeling upset, how can i make myself not upset without covering up the real reason..
hope that helps.
Stupid reality. I hope that eventually, the pain will lessen, or at least be tempered by all the happy times you've had (and will have). Perhaps the only thing that we can ever hope for is that "This, too, will pass".
sorry you're having an extra hard time of it. your strength inspires more than you know. namaste
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