April 22, 2015

• Reflections

  I was reading some old blogs tonight, way back from 2003. I was talking about a dream I had about my brother Bill and my Aunt Jan & Uncle Lee. My Aunt & Uncle were alive when I wrote that, but they aren't anymore. They died within 1 year of each other and it really sucked. Uncle Lee died suddenly last year and soon after we buried him, my Aunt learned she had cancer. She was defiant at first, determined to kick it's ass. It didn't take long for that to change and then the slow, disgusting hand of death gripped her soul and whittled her away. She died last month but she was gone much before that. She was the only Aunt I had left and I loved her a lot. I loved them both a lot and their lives mattered.

  I have been miserably ill this past week. Thought I might go see a doctor today but a few swigs of cough syrup have quieted the gurgling noises in my chest, so now I am thinking not. I don't want to know.

  I haven't written much at all lately, been kind of flat and uninspired. I spend most of my summers in the gardens and kitchen. This is work I do enjoy and I love having my shelves filled with all my home canned goods. We went through a lot of my food this past year. This summer is going to be crazy busy with buying a new house, moving, cleaning, changes all around.

  I got to thinking at my Aunts funeral about how life seems to move at different speeds. It seems to take forever to make it through the first 20 years and at 20, thinking about turning 40 seems a million years away. Then 40 hits and your like, wow that went pretty quick and you start to get nervous about the next 20 years and how quickly it is going to creep up on you. Once you get to 60 and you think about the next 20 years..... well, then it gets kind of iffy if you will even get to see another 20 years. I can't imagine anything past 80, not with my genes and health issues. I really don't think I want to anyway, it gets pretty lonely at that age.

  I am seeing that with my parents and in-laws now, all of their friends and family dying around them. Stocking up on sympathy cards. It is especially difficult for my parents, having lost 2 of their 3 children already. I pray they do not have to see me die, that just wouldn't be fair.

  Enough now. It felt good to write and I think I shall do this some more. Blog on Xanga, like back in the old days, before I had a flip phone. RETRO! =)

  BE WELL. ♥

  

  • 3:03 am
  • 1 Comment