What is this place and who are these people?  I don't know this place anymore, I really don't.  Everytime I come here it is different and I just can't keep up.  It feels overwhelming to try and figure it out.  I'm sorry.  I don't want to even try.

I've made new friends, but they don't even know who I AM.  Neither do I.  I've BEcome a baffling enigma, quick with the laughs but short with the facts.  The facts are all lies and I can't make them up quick enough. 

I've turned into a cartoon.

I'm scattered and battered, bewildered and tired, so very tired.  I'm not sure what has gotten in to me, or out of me, but I feel rather alien as of late.

I bought a new iMac last week so, there is some news anyway.  I'm not using it now though so... hope this XP post suits.  I never learned about macs so it's all new, but I'm getting there.  I'm just so tired, you know?  Everything hurts and the headaches are coming back again.  I'm losing interest in everything and everything is all at once, and it's heavy. 

I don't want to deal with reality.  I admit.

I just want to go back to when it was jolly.  Nothing but laughs.  When I didn't have to cry for no reason at al,l or for too many reasons at once.

I miss my fucking dog more now than I did a month ago.  It hasn't got easier and I can't stand to see a picture of him.  It fucking hurts because I guess now, I realize he is really gone....and I hate it.  I just hate it.  I want my dog back!

I obsessed for weeks creating and writing and staying up late...I can't do that to myself.  I'm fragile and the lack of proper rest catches up with me quick.  I hate that I know that, but still allow it.  I was never a fan of hate but shit...I'm just so alien as of late and I'm having a hard time deciphering reality from past life, or future life, or lack of life, or life.  Nary a thing makes much sense and I wonder what the fuck is it all about anyway?  Why even bother?

It's normal I guess.  We all have to jump through hoops and spit out our fancy tricks.  So BE it!  I'm jumpin' and spitting but I tell you what, I'm really tired.  So I'll apologize to myself once more and stay up late trying to figure it out.  No, I need rest.  Proper rest and some kind of magic trick.

I gave the vampires blood yesterday.  I spent a long time visualizing my bloodstream flowing pristine.  I inhaled bubbles of light and let them dance about inside, popping and filling me with love and light.  Then I exhaled all the nasty virus shit in me out.  But it hides so damn well, and now I feel it dancing around in me, mocking me, stealing my breath.  I feel so old and my SPIRIT has taken a real hit.  

Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, tigth, fight, fight, figth, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, igthg, fight, ffight, tgight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, figth, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fiht, thight,......see... you'd get tired of the FIGHT too!

Save me Baby, save me!  I don't want to go down in this sinking ship.  If you could just hold me and rock me while I cried, and told me it's everything is going to be alright, I'd BElieve you.

I would.

BE WELL. ♥

Oh the weather outside has been frightfully delightful.  Snow, snow and more snow!  You know what that means?  YUP!  The snow piles around these parts are delicious and were a call, call, calling me!   So.... I called my peeps and nagged and bullied them until they agreed to play KING OF THE MOUNTAIN with me last night.  We had two new members this year who were not quite, prepared to fight.   Well the rest of us felt bad so we hooked them up with snow fighting duds and we made our way!  It was truly a wonderful night, complete with fresh, falling snow, which made for many secret sink holes.  WATCH OUT!   
This year we remembered to take a camera along and I made some delicious cocoa for afterwards.    Who wants to book a ticket to our next event?   Perhaps we have inspired you to have your own party, that is, if you're lucky enough to have snow.  

WOO HOO!
 
Early on in the game.  Elvira, Holly, and JoAnn.   Still friends and the snowiest Snow Bunnies in all the Land!

   
Dave takes one of many tumbles.  This picture truly represents what King of the Mountain is all about, striving and failing while maintaining a Happy Smile and having FUN!

 
Elvira and one of her loyal minion's Carlito!  Bloody, ruthless fighters, prepared to KILL for the Mountain.

Elvira uses her Power as King to sit on her ass all day doing nothing.  TYPICAL!

Yeeow!  That's going to leave a mark!  Try as I might, I just could not reach the promised Land!

 
Carlito destroys Dave's feeble attempt at an overthrow, yet AGAIN!

Cold and Defeated, Carlos slinks off to a desolate part of the mountain to die in shame.

 
Holly is looking a little weepy here.  In her defense, she really had no idea what a vicious game we play!  NEWBIE!

Defeated Deb tries to regain some strength after a vicious defeat.  Later, she claims herself the Queen of the Great Plains!  Nobody wants the plains so, we let her have them.

Cocoa warm memories.  Thank YOU JoAnn, it's delish!

Carlito, Elvira and Christal the evil rulers of the Mountain.  Elvira broke child labor laws and had these helpless children fight to the death for her Kingdom!  Next Year your asses are MINE!!!

Energized and Cocoaized, plotting our revenge for next year.  We have only just BEgun this fight!

Have Fun!
BE WELL.

Spent a lot of time in quiet.  Lost in thought.  Angry.  Sad.  Defeated.

Nobody fought harder than Steven to be healthy.  To stay strong.  To truly live.  Nobody.  He truly did LIVE.  I owe him that much.  Will BE that and all that and even more.  I do not even own a little white flag to wave.  Won't look on eBay to try and buy one either.  I realize how much all of that little stuff really does matter.  Really does matter.

Did.

I had a bit of a meltdown going down that old path again.  Remembering.  Laughing.  Crying.  Sheesh.  I'm still in a bit of a fog.  It seems so near.  Just there.  Just then.  Just......

I found this quote in one of my old journals.  Steven sent it to me.  It mattered then.  Matters now.  Spoke directly to my soul.

"The issue of whether there is a Greater Reality or not, for me at least, has been settled. I know that there is. So I will speak to you from the knowing that I possess and will not in any way equivocate or minimze my statements and my truth to fit nicely into the dualism of your human considerations." -Emmanuel

I forgot what I was going to say.  It was here just a minute ago and then poof, it flittered away. 

I saw sentences in the clouds.  Swirling and twirling to the sound of puffy air.  How long can you stare at air?  Close the eyes and make it last forever.  Can you see?  Hear?  Feel?  BE?  Visions of quiet, music of air.....float, float, floating.

It's so hot.  I've aged.  I never used to mind the heat.  Lay in it, play in it for hours and hours.  I prefer the electric hum of cool on my head as I peer out at it now.  Must be age.

I'm tired.

I'm going to get a new pup today.  For my Dad.  I'm going to keep it a few days though, for myself.

We'll stay cool indoors and venture out when the sun is less, unless...........I go underwearless under my dress.

Shut UP!

Aaaarh mateys der be whales in dat der ocean!
(spoken in a real nice pirate accent)

Had a blast on the good ship lollipop and got real friendly with the whales!  This was the first trip out for the season and it was a super success! 

Here are a couple pics of some of the fin back whales we encountered.  We were lucky enough to be given quite a show with these whales who were feeding close to the boat.  Hard to get pics cuz you never know where and when they are going to pop up.  We learned that fin back whales are the second largest mammals in the world.  Woo Hoo!

  
aaarh mateys.....I'll leave you with a grimace and a splash!!!

 My Father sent me some pics from way back when.  I enjoyed seeing them.  I used to be so gosh darn cute!  My brothers were too.  I reckon with the right lighting and some photo tricks I can BE cute again.....just like a "pictcha!"

My Gramma Sybil and my brothers Joe and a wee little Bill.  So gosh darn cute!  I now own the rocking chair she is sitting in, I feel honored.  Gramma was one of the coolest women I have ever known, she taught me many things but the thing I remember best is the JOY of naps.  I only wish I could have known her as an adult, she died when I was 16.

.
Franny Banany with me and my brothers.  He was the best Uncle in the WORLD!  ALWAYS!  Wow, I just noticed he has heaps of hair in this pic just like he did in my dream.

I'm dreaming of a White Christmas.  I wonder if this was the year of the bag of rocks?

I miss Bill, Gramma and Franny Banany.

I have about 100 zillion blogworthy things to speak of but only time for a few. 

Firstly, my nephew Devin lost his fight against cancer on Friday.  It happened so quick.  He told his Mom he was getting on the airplane to heaven right before he left.  My heart is heavy for his Mom and family.  I am grateful that I did not know Devin very well, he was a very quiet, reserved boy and kind of avoided my loud, obnoxious ways like the plague.  After spending about 1 intense week at their house during his illness they kind of pulled away from me and JoAnn, Devin's Mom, told me that they needed to go through this alone.  It took a few days for that to sink in but then I was so grateful I did not have to be in that sorrow day in and day out.  It's a horrible place to BE and is very hard on me spiritually. 

Devin was a good boy.  He loved his Mother very much.  He enjoyed fishing, science and hanging out with his friends.  He faced death with grace and humility.  I'm learning a lot about Life from a little boy I barely knew.  He is pure love and energy now.  I hope I can help his Mother in any way possible.  I cannot imagine her pain.

On to happier news.......

I DO NOT HAVE AIDS!  Woo Hoo!  In fact my T-cell count went up to 400 and my viral load (VL) is less than half of what it was last visit.  Now I know you are not supposed to let those numbers rule your mind but in this case I think it is a good thing.  Suddenly I feel recharged and strong.  Ready to step it up a notch and get really healthy.  Empowered.  I was so excited I told the doctor I was going to get so enlightened that one of these days I will just be cured.  He kind of smiled at me and said that was impossible although......although he said, there was 1 well documented case of a cure in a man in the UK with no plausible explanation as to how this man was cured.  I told him then it is not impossible and all one needs to do is harness the powers of their mind and anything is possible.  He smiled and gave me a wink.  I swooned.  I kind of have a school girl crush on him but don't say anything.

It's amazing the power one can have over their mind and body with thoughts.  It's like a million lightbulbs are going off in my head and things are so clear, though I could never articulate what it is I see or feel or know.  I can only live by example. 

I watched "What the Bleep Do We Know?" again this week and plan to watch it again and again because every time I do another ahha moment is born.  It's a good thing I bought the DVD so I can continue this quest without rental fees!  There are books I should reread too, they are speaking to me.  A million miles a second in every way possible and all at once.

I made a play date last night with my friends Carlos and Elvira and their kids.  We all played King of the Mountain and it was a blast!  So much fun to see 4 adults outside, bundled up and rolling down the snow hills laughing.  I nagged for 2 weeks for my peeps to get together with me to play and finally, I had it in concrete last night.  I heard a lot of grumbling and "you're crazy" smack but you know what?  After we were done playing and huffing and puffing my peeps all agreed that a more fun time has not been had for years!  I knew that would be the case, after all I DO KNOW how to have a super fun time doing things peeps wouldn't normally do.  I have my peeps commited to an annual event now.  Actually, I should be calling "my peeps" my loyal subjects because I AM THE SNOW MOUNTAIN KING, QUEEN, & RULER of all the lands!  Want to kiss my muscles?

I dedicate last nights fun and frolic to Devin.

BE WELL. 

Day 12 of a juice fast and finally the wonderful energies are coming through.  It all started to come true for me after my herbal wrap and massage on Friday.  WOW!  I got just what I needed.   I AM feeling really motivated this time around and may very well try to go for my all-time elusive goal of fasting for 40 days and 40 nights.

You would be surprised at how easy it is to not eat once you reach that sparkly place.  Although, I would not and could not recommend spending a lot of time around food because that just makes it worse and commercials can be a Mother Fucker too!

A little secret, because I still have to cook, and as a cook you have to know how stuff tastes, so.....I have found that chewing a bit of whatever I am making and then spitting it out, so as not to evoke digestive juices, is highly therapeutic!  Although, when it comes to pasta......errrrr, that pasta did me in on one of my earlier fasts so, curse the pasta!  I am not going to be making any pasta on this fast!

Mombo has a benign tumor on his eye so he has to go in for surgery this week.  Yeah for PUP, DOG DOPE!  Which reminds me I need to call the vet and order a few more things.

Looking to sell my Sheila and upgrade her in the next month or so.  She is a great gal but I need something with a few less miles and a few less years.  I tell you, other than a Dodge Stealth, my Subaru Outback is the BEST car I have ever owned.  The Stealth was wonderful but not very practical.  With my Roo I can take the Pups and Kitties wherever they might want to go and sleep inside too.  Not to mention the superior handling on snow.

OK then, Things to do people to see.........

BE WELL. 

Good news, there is no bleeding of my cranium inside or out.  I guess I am going to live....this time. 

Better news, PAIN PILLS GALORE!  Wheeeeeee

And now, a few pictures of my favorite peeps and things.

Christal & Carlito sporting The Big Guy's pants.
The Big Guy claims these pants are way too big for him but I doubt it!

PUPS & Kiddies
(BUCK ASS is the yellow lab Mitch)
Mombo is the chocolate lab and will always be my #1.
Shakti is the baby girl.....cute, cute, cute!

Dancing with the Stars!
My favorite girls and me dancing along the shores of Lake Michigan.  Yep the water was chilly but that didn't stop us.  Oh the memories!