XangaRelic Gone Wild ⏳

August 8, 2008

Olympic Fever

Life is good here at Camp Crunchy!
I spend a lot of time in imaginative states, so that is probably why!
I'm happier up here in space.
Out of reach.
Free.
I don't think I want to BE a tree after all.
Perhaps I AM a bird.
Or a cloud?
I'm too dense to BE a bubble.
Soon I'll just BE a shadow.
Same as us all.
Black Dot.
Nothing.
Free.

July 8, 2008

Tickle Me Pink

I dyed the front part of my hair pink last week. I visited a friend in KY last month and I dyed her hair purple for her. I could not talk her into pink...but I did do the purple. It looked pretty cool but I still wanted it to be pink so...

I WENT PINK! I think it suits and now my head matches my mood; perky and girly.

I painted my body in henna too and danced in the sun amongst the flowers.

My field of flowers is in in full bloom now too and whenever I look out my south windows this is what I see....it makes me want to dance.

Yes, I DO realize that I AM BLESSED!

BE WELL.

July 1, 2008

I'm SuperGIRL!

NO, I'M SUPERGIRL!!!
- 10:55 am
- Comments Off

April 22, 2008

Kisses My Bitches!

Hey Babies! Guess who is back from the Land of I WISH I WERE DEAD!? Yup. It's true and here is another clue...I AM feeling frisky, funky and full of silly fun once again. WHEEEEEEEE!!!

Now tell me, which of you angels out there is doing voodoo to make me well? I AM not lying when I say... every single time I write a whining, I'm ill and sickly blog on Xanga my troubles seem to disappear the next day. EVERY TIME! Thank you so very much for that magic, I missed myself so very much and I was seriously losing my will to live. I blame the Atripla for that. A TRIP LALALALA is more like it, only not so much LA as OMG somebody kill me please!

I AM currently not taking any HIV meds and do not plan to take any more at least until after my birthday next month. I have lofty goals and plans and peeps I want to visit in the next coming weeks and I AM not willing to suffer with any more side effects in the interim. I'm not real convinced that I will be trying any more of those horrible meds anyway. If I buckle down and get serious with my health again I AM quite convinced I can suffocate the HIV in me with goodness and prayer. I thank GOD every night for curing me of this HIV and one of these days I'm convinced he is going to tire of my nagging ways and make it so!

The rash has almost left now too although, I AM still really itchy and do feel that occasional pins and needles feeling that is a direct result of med induced neuropathy. Many of the HIV meds are notorious for causing Neuropathy and let me tell you, that shit hurts! I think death is the lesser of 2 evils when it comes to neuropathy...but that is just me.

My meningitis symptoms have almost left completely now too and I don't have to wear my sunglasses in the house anymore. LET THERE BE LIGHT! Nary a jabbing ear pain either and my sleep has returned to normal volumes now too...and I can EAT! Eat like a HOG! I should have no worries gaining the weight back I lost while medicated. Please pass that Culvers frozen custard my way! OINK!

I'm going to LIVE and more importantly... I ONCE AGAIN WANT TO! THANK YOU!!!

BE WELL.

April 19, 2008

Buggered

Well my dearies, I AM really having a tough time of it lately and spend most of my life sleeping. The past 2 weeks have been just rotten with medicine side effects and lingering meningitis illness. I have lost several pounds again as well.

I have not been on Xanga lately because most of my life is dealing with sickness and the like as of late. For that reason I have been updating my blog and writing on the discussion boards on dailystrength.org much more frequently. If you would like to keep up with my woes I direct you there, I just haven't the strength to do both. If you want to live happily and cheerily I recommend you skip ME completely, I'll just bring you down!

The med I was taking, Atripla fucked me up really bad and I had to quit because of it. The poem I wrote the other day was based on an experience I had while taking that med, you can read about it here. My HIV doc then gave me a script for Truvada and now the rash on my body is out of control and feels like pins and needles. I have been ordered to stop that med now too.

I'm just a sad sack lately.

I used to be so gosh darn lively and full of happy thoughts, now it's all I can do to even take a shower. My doctor also mentioned another spinal tap too...oh no, I just cannot deal with that trauma again. PLEASE NO!!!

I appreciate your prayers it's about the only hope I have anymore.

BE WELL.

April 15, 2008

Atripla Blues

i'm drugged
and Buggered
So true.
sick as
dead bug
still in the sill
all winter long.
skeleton
corpse
bug spray flu
dying, crispy
nothing
shoo.
whooo now pretty
colors too blue
triangles with circles
round and round
fall on the ground
with tingles
bursting out the hands
electricity black
sweat so wet
hair stuck on head
matted wet
so confused
eyes wide
I think I died
am I still here?
Should I take it again?
Who?

April 5, 2008

Sick & Tired

But I don't look sick do I?

I AM sick though and miserably so... that picture was taken yesterday, I was sick then too. I felt a smidge better yesterday though, but putting lipstick on and fixing my hair always helps, even if it is only an illusion. I always fix myself up nice when I visit my HIV doc, he's such a little hottie and I AM a scandalous flirt.

I Find it difficult to stay up very long and working on the computer is hard on my eyes and brain. Turns out I have viral meningitis so...at least I AM not imagining my aches and pains and goofy, dizzy, foggy brain. Did I mention I had to have a spinal tap last week to rule out meningitis? Doc was worried that I had fungal meningitis, lucky for me it's only viral. I had serious problems after my spinal tap and had to go to the hospital twice for blood patches in my spine. I had the most horrible headaches imaginable while sitting or standing following the spinal tap. I wasn't in a good place, but in a way I'm glad they found something, hate to think I went through that horror for nothing.

The only way to monitor meningitis is with spinal fluid but there is no fucking way I will go through that again. If I knew I didn't have to worry about the after effects, then it would not be so bad, but that just will not be true. I always have to be a special case don't I?

I have my prescription for Atripla now too, so I'll probably start taking HIV meds this weekend too. Joy.

I hope you all have a nice weekend, I'll struggle to do the same. Oh, I
have to bury my dog this weekend too. I'm almost fucking sad and pathetic enough to inspire
a country western song...almost.

BE WELL.

March 17, 2008

Johnny Depp, HIV Meds & Mammograms

Well the state of WI is in a BIG Frenzy today because Johnny Depp is going to BE here shooting his new movie.
People are so gosh darn silly! Camping out for the weekend hoping to
catch a glimpse of Johnny Depp. I'm not sure how they feel their lives
are going to change or BE improved if they do see him, but hey...I
guess his coming here is good for the local economy anyway. However, I
will not BE one of those peeps crammed into that tiny town hoping to
catch a glimpse of Johnny Depp, even though it is only 12 miles away.
I'll just wait for Johnny to stop in for a visit and I will make him a
pie!

It has been a crappy weekend for me, I've been so tired and nauseous. I
never left the house and slept most of the weekend away. I had a
stressful week with medical crap and I just do not handle stress well
at all anymore. It takes it's toll quick. First off, my bloodwork came
back consistent with my T-cells at 215. So my HIV doc is insisting on
prescribing meds now, Atripla to BE exact. I have done well by myself
since learning of my HIV status in 1996 and being infected since 86-88.
20+ years of HIV infection and no meds but...my body is wearing out now
and I AM so very tired. You can see it in my face, a fact I hoped I
only imagined, but my doctor sees it too. He is a good doctor and I
feel he really does care about me. He has never been a pill pusher and
has always respected my choices. Now I must respect his expert opinion
and I cannot lie... I'm scared.

My
body is very sensitive to chemicals and I avoid them as much as
possible. If there is a natural way to combat an illness or infection I
always use it rather than to run to the doctor. I guess I have run out
of options now with this HIV and I do not have a death wish so....

I
also had a lot of stress with my first mammogram, which was done last
week. I got a letter in the mail that there are some areas of concern
but not to worry, they just want more pics. NOT TO WORRY!?!?!?
I tried hard not to worry but none of the women I talked to got a
letter like that in the mail so... Needless to say, I went back for
more pics and more pics, then sitting around waiting and then even more
pics! Then a nurse came and asked me the name of my doctor while I was
waiting...WHY? Oh then the pics were not enough so
then I had to go and have an ultra-sound of my tits. By now I AM pretty
numb and fighting my imagination that really wanted to visit dark
places.

Finally, the radiologist,
Dr. Walton, came in the room and told me what was going on, a lot of
which just went over my head. Basically he told me he "thinks"
I AM in the clear however, I need to reschedule another mammogram for 6
months to make sure. It all seems like a bad dream or some sick joke. I
ALWAYS said that I need not worry about breast cancer because I AM just
about as flat chested as they come. I know, I know that does not matter
but hey...It's my fantasy world so leave me to my delusions, ok?

The lymph nodes in my neck have been on overdrive for the past week and
hurt like the dickens. They have been swollen for years and I AM used
to them BEing like that, however they are super swollen now and just
aching and throbbing. HATE IT! They make me feel like a sick monster
and I have thought of cutting them out more than once!

Thursday I see my HIV doc again and he is going to write me the
prescription for Atripla then. It makes me want to cry. I can't help
but feel like a failure. Like I didn't do enough, there are so many
ways I could work on improving my health. I still smoke and eat crap on
occasion. I beat myself up and I know better but still... I'm just in a
fog now and wish I could just fly away deep into the jungle and sing
like a lovely bird high up in the canopy of a rainforest tree.

I know thousands of people take HIV meds and do just fine but all I can
think of is side effects and toxicity. Outrageous costs and insurance
woes, and the need to maintain strict adherence to taking my meds every
day. I AM one of the most inconsistent persons I know when it comes to
most anything. Some days I go to bed at 9pm, other days I AM up until 4
am so... how will I manage? What if I don't? What if, what if, what
if....???? I make myself crazy with all these imaginings and there is
nobody in my immediate vicinity that understands such things. I AM the
token HIV+ person in the lives of my family and friends so their
perception of HIV+ is a good one, but they do not know all the stuff
that goes on in my head either. I PUT ON A GOOD SHOW and do not try to
show any fear or concern around them but inside, inside I AM scared
shitless! I have so many friends that have already succumb to this
disease and others who are struggling to stay well or at least stay
alive. It leaves me crying more often than not and I feel so utterly
helpless. I tried talking about my fears and my concerns about my sick
friends with a in the flesh friend. He suggested that perhaps I should
stop making friends with sick people. hmmm.... he might just have
something there!

Well I guess I
have rambled on enough. I plan to start Atripla next weekend so I can
have 2 days of meds before Monday rolls around and I have to go back to
work. Don't BE surprised if I blog about every imaginary fear and
symptom in the book. I can really let my imagination get the best of me
sometimes, something I AM at least conscious of but by no means in
control of. I AM much better at helping others than I AM at helping
myself. I just don't LISTEN!!!

Prayer will ALWAYS BE my most powerful weapon and it's a POWERFUL ONE INDEED!

BE WELL.

P.S. I did get my goal of starting my seeds done this weekend anyway.
Yes, I waited until a few minutes before midnight on Sunday night to do
it, but I DID it and soon there will be little sprouts reaching towards
the sun. Soon Spring will have sprung and I will BE in my element then.
Digging in the dirt, basking in the sun and allowing visions of sugar
plum fairies dance in my head.

P.S.S. I just got off the phone with Moraine Park and they booked a 4 hour henna gig for $400 so yippeee, things are starting to turn out good for ME after all!!!!

February 29, 2008

What Happened?

What is this place and who are these people? I don't know this place anymore, I really don't. Everytime I come here it is different and I just can't keep up. It feels overwhelming to try and figure it out. I'm sorry. I don't want to even try.

I've made new friends, but they don't even know who I AM. Neither do I. I've BEcome a baffling enigma, quick with the laughs but short with the facts. The facts are all lies and I can't make them up quick enough.

I've turned into a cartoon.

I'm scattered and battered, bewildered and tired, so very tired. I'm not sure what has gotten in to me, or out of me, but I feel rather alien as of late.

I bought a new iMac last week so, there is some news anyway. I'm not using it now though so... hope this XP post suits. I never learned about macs so it's all new, but I'm getting there.  I'm just so tired, you know? Everything hurts and the headaches are coming back again. I'm losing interest in everything and everything is all at once, and it's heavy.

I don't want to deal with reality. I admit.

I just want to go back to when it was jolly. Nothing but laughs. When I didn't have to cry for no reason at al,l or for too many reasons at once.

I miss my fucking dog more now than I did a month ago. It hasn't got easier and I can't stand to see a picture of him. It fucking hurts because I guess now, I realize he is really gone....and I hate it. I just hate it. I want my dog back!

I obsessed for weeks creating and writing and staying up late...I can't do that to myself. I'm fragile and the lack of proper rest catches up with me quick. I hate that I know that, but still allow it. I was never a fan of hate but shit...I'm just so alien as of late and I'm having a hard time deciphering reality from past life, or future life, or lack of life, or life. Nary a thing makes much sense and I wonder what the fuck is it all about anyway? Why even bother?

It's normal I guess. We all have to jump through hoops and spit out our fancy tricks.  So BE it! I'm jumpin' and spitting but I tell you what, I'm really tired. So I'll apologize to myself once more and stay up late trying to figure it out. No, I need rest. Proper rest and some kind of magic trick.

I gave the vampires blood yesterday. I spent a long time visualizing my bloodstream flowing pristine. I inhaled bubbles of light and let them dance about inside, popping and filling me with love and light. Then I exhaled all the nasty virus shit in me out.  But it hides so damn well, and now I feel it dancing around in me, mocking me, stealing my breath. I feel so old and my SPIRIT has taken a real hit.

Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, tigth, fight, fight, figth, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, igthg, fight, ffight, tgight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, figth, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fiht, thight,......see... you'd get tired of the FIGHT too!

Save me Baby, save me! I don't want to go down in this sinking ship. If you could just hold me and rock me while I cried, and told me it's everything is going to be alright, I'd BElieve you.

I would.

BE WELL. ♥