Well the state of WI is in a BIG Frenzy today because Johnny Depp is going to BE here shooting his new movie.
People are so gosh darn silly! Camping out for the weekend hoping to
catch a glimpse of Johnny Depp. I'm not sure how they feel their lives
are going to change or BE improved if they do see him, but hey...I
guess his coming here is good for the local economy anyway. However, I
will not BE one of those peeps crammed into that tiny town hoping to
catch a glimpse of Johnny Depp, even though it is only 12 miles away.
I'll just wait for Johnny to stop in for a visit and I will make him a
pie! 
It has been a crappy weekend for me, I've been so tired and nauseous. I
never left the house and slept most of the weekend away. I had a
stressful week with medical crap and I just do not handle stress well
at all anymore. It takes it's toll quick. First off, my bloodwork came
back consistent with my T-cells at 215. So my HIV doc is insisting on
prescribing meds now, Atripla to BE exact. I have done well by myself
since learning of my HIV status in 1996 and being infected since 86-88.
20+ years of HIV infection and no meds but...my body is wearing out now
and I AM so very tired. You can see it in my face, a fact I hoped I
only imagined, but my doctor sees it too. He is a good doctor and I
feel he really does care about me. He has never been a pill pusher and
has always respected my choices. Now I must respect his expert opinion
and I cannot lie... I'm scared.
My
body is very sensitive to chemicals and I avoid them as much as
possible. If there is a natural way to combat an illness or infection I
always use it rather than to run to the doctor. I guess I have run out
of options now with this HIV and I do not have a death wish so....
I
also had a lot of stress with my first mammogram, which was done last
week. I got a letter in the mail that there are some areas of concern
but not to worry, they just want more pics. NOT TO WORRY!?!?!?
I tried hard not to worry but none of the women I talked to got a
letter like that in the mail so... Needless to say, I went back for
more pics and more pics, then sitting around waiting and then even more
pics! Then a nurse came and asked me the name of my doctor while I was
waiting...WHY? Oh then the pics were not enough so
then I had to go and have an ultra-sound of my tits. By now I AM pretty
numb and fighting my imagination that really wanted to visit dark
places.
Finally, the radiologist,
Dr. Walton, came in the room and told me what was going on, a lot of
which just went over my head. Basically he told me he "thinks"
I AM in the clear however, I need to reschedule another mammogram for 6
months to make sure. It all seems like a bad dream or some sick joke. I
ALWAYS said that I need not worry about breast cancer because I AM just
about as flat chested as they come. I know, I know that does not matter
but hey...It's my fantasy world so leave me to my delusions, ok?
The lymph nodes in my neck have been on overdrive for the past week and
hurt like the dickens. They have been swollen for years and I AM used
to them BEing like that, however they are super swollen now and just
aching and throbbing. HATE IT! They make me feel like a sick monster
and I have thought of cutting them out more than once!
Thursday I see my HIV doc again and he is going to write me the
prescription for Atripla then. It makes me want to cry. I can't help
but feel like a failure. Like I didn't do enough, there are so many
ways I could work on improving my health. I still smoke and eat crap on
occasion. I beat myself up and I know better but still... I'm just in a
fog now and wish I could just fly away deep into the jungle and sing
like a lovely bird high up in the canopy of a rainforest tree.
I know thousands of people take HIV meds and do just fine but all I can
think of is side effects and toxicity. Outrageous costs and insurance
woes, and the need to maintain strict adherence to taking my meds every
day. I AM one of the most inconsistent persons I know when it comes to
most anything. Some days I go to bed at 9pm, other days I AM up until 4
am so... how will I manage? What if I don't? What if, what if, what
if....???? I make myself crazy with all these imaginings and there is
nobody in my immediate vicinity that understands such things. I AM the
token HIV+ person in the lives of my family and friends so their
perception of HIV+ is a good one, but they do not know all the stuff
that goes on in my head either. I PUT ON A GOOD SHOW and do not try to
show any fear or concern around them but inside, inside I AM scared
shitless! I have so many friends that have already succumb to this
disease and others who are struggling to stay well or at least stay
alive. It leaves me crying more often than not and I feel so utterly
helpless. I tried talking about my fears and my concerns about my sick
friends with a in the flesh friend. He suggested that perhaps I should
stop making friends with sick people. hmmm.... he might just have
something there!
Well I guess I
have rambled on enough. I plan to start Atripla next weekend so I can
have 2 days of meds before Monday rolls around and I have to go back to
work. Don't BE surprised if I blog about every imaginary fear and
symptom in the book. I can really let my imagination get the best of me
sometimes, something I AM at least conscious of but by no means in
control of. I AM much better at helping others than I AM at helping
myself. I just don't LISTEN!!!
Prayer will ALWAYS BE my most powerful weapon and it's a POWERFUL ONE INDEED!
BE WELL. 
P.S. I did get my goal of starting my seeds done this weekend anyway.
Yes, I waited until a few minutes before midnight on Sunday night to do
it, but I DID it and soon there will be little sprouts reaching towards
the sun. Soon Spring will have sprung and I will BE in my element then.
Digging in the dirt, basking in the sun and allowing visions of sugar
plum fairies dance in my head. 
P.S.S. I just got off the phone with Moraine Park and they booked a 4 hour henna gig for $400 so yippeee, things are starting to turn out good for ME after all!!!!
