February 22, 2002

• My mind is playing tricks on me.  I keep thinking it's time.  There are too many clues.  It gives me an eerie sense of joy.  I tremble when you are near.  It's too much.  I've thought a billion thoughts of you, all of them true, and I KNOW YOU DO.  Sorry for never wanting to BElieve, will not let myself be victim.....but who is ever going to believe me?  I don't want to see, it's too much.  I lose control, can't breathe, or swim, and emotions rattle my bones.  I ache so much.

  
  

  I've typed a billion words, most you will never see.  A billion thoughts have overcome me.  I try slapping myself in the face, snap the fuck out of it, come on.....don't forget reality.  But reality is thick and I read it again and again and I know it's true, that's why I am not going to ask you again.  Don't make me promise, I suck at that.  So do you.  I pound my hands into the wheel, can you feel?  I'm mad.  YOU.  I still feel you, always did, and right now it's too much.

  
  

  It's when I see you sneaking in the bush, checking up on me.  I could never hide.  I loved to see you come, even if you pretended you didn't notice and went the other way.  I know you're there, but it hurts so much, and I ache from that part I can't keep hid away. 

  
  

  How will I do it alone?  Send help for me please.  Bring me some Light....make sure I fucking know it too, because I'll make up excuses again and look the other way.  Oh Baby, I just paint and write and create.  Honor that you deserve.  In the Garden with the birds, Oh god, it's too much again when it's beautiful and I can feel you, it's too much and my gut is wrought in pain from feeling you over and over again. 

  
  

  Let it Glow......

  
  

  Now I know, and never have we ever been so inspired.  I am not letting anything stop me from my heart, and there's more, so much more, but it was always about you and me and the way, some way, we would have eternity.  Always. I know....and now I ache again, but soon I'll be brand new......Pup Pup Pupperdoo....

  
  

  I Love YOU, and have always been in love with YOU.  No need to thank me for that, although, I know what you mean.....I know what you mean.  And I'm trembling again.

  
  

  Thank YOU.

  • 8:11 pm
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