February 23, 2002

• The weatherman forecasted sunny skies and warm temperatures for today.  But it's cold, windy and gray.  Yes, I made it that way, so I wouldn't have to go out and face the World.  But they called and asked me to come and play, so many friends calling, telling me it's what I need, and I just said no way.  I haven't the strength and I can barely make it an hour without tears streaming down my face.  I can't come to your party like this, please forgive, I just haven't the strength to laugh and have fun.  No worries, they send LOVE.

  
  

  I don't know if I will ever crawl out of this hole.  It feels so warm down here.  Nothing can reach me, hurt me, I'm alone and it's warm and I like this hole, this black space of mud in the Earth.  I know I won't settle here, I know, but for now I like it so....I need it so, until my tears fill up the hole and I drown because I haven't the strength to float much less swim.  But for now, the tears are still soaking in the ground and making my hole soft and muddy.  For now.

  
  

  Don't bother to save me.  I am not a damsel in distress.  I am empty and no good for you or you or you, so I hide away.  It's for your own good.  Maybe if I stay away long enough you can forget about me and it won't be so hard when you hear the news.  I don't want to hurt you, I just don't know how to help anyone anymore.  Not when I'm like this.

  
  

  Something will matter.  The more I BElieve, and go back and read or think of someone else's pain.  I'll be less selfish in time, willing and wanting to sing love songs, but not the sappy kind.  No, not those, the real kind.   You are the one true love in my life Peter, I am content with that always and forever, however, there are things I have to do.  People I need to see and I am not so sure I should be so in love with a ghost, with nothing but a memory to cling to.  People will start to think I am sick and want to put me away.  I'll hide, I won't let them.  But I have to stop hiding and running away. 

  
  

  I have to learn to love myself more and more and more.  And the more I love myself the more people I am going to push away, but then other people will come to take their place.  The kind of people that aren't afraid of the Light, like ME.  I know how to BElieve.   No matter.  I must find Light.

  
  

  The beautiful stuff that I have never been able to write, because it fills me so full of beauty, I fall apart.  That stuff is haunting me so much.  My purple collection, my most prized posession in my life.  The little bits of purple in a dish, the one's I show to everyone that I can.....oh GOD.  Nobody ever understood, maybe they never will, but I have little pieces of purple that are trembling my bones......and it aches everywhere I breathe.  I see waterfalls and berries, and it makes me cry.   The purple rock from Devil's Lake.  Remember that day?  Forever.  I threw it into the wall, it dug a big chunk out too.  I don't know if I will ever have the strength to go back, but she is calling me, I hear her calling me.  I feel my body floating away.  Moonee Beach, I see you walking there, and I was never scared.

  
  

  Just because I bounce around and can't think straight so I put it out in chunks.  In and out, up and down.  I tell you this, I do not want to be the last one standing, left to write it all down.   I know you love me, I believe.  I swear if there is relish sauce in my mailbox I will fall to the ground.  There will never be a final goodbye, please baby......don't make me cry.

  
  

  I can't stay warm.

  • 7:53 pm
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