June 17, 2002
-
I'd wish to lose my mind if I didn't know any better. I lost my mind back in the day, and then prayed to have it back. How lucky I was to have found it, and I vowed to never give it away again. And I didn't, but I never said I won't. It's scarey without a mind, no control over your own thoughts, deeds. Having thoughts you never thought you would have, doing things you wouldn't even dream. Thoughts of manic killers and lunatics. How close we all do breathe.
Sometimes I wish I were ignorant, slow, dim-witted and such, then I wouldn't know any better and my mind would not be my own. I could be a puppet on a string and blame everything on my master, the one with all the brains.
I keep thinking about a cabin at the top of a very tall mountain. Three days travel by foot. I'll live there and not care about anyone else forever. Weeks will pass and soon they will all forget about me, only making mention in passing conversation, or perhaps a picture or two will do the trick. I wonder what ever happened to her? I'd hope and wish you to think me dead. I'm certain I would feel better then.
And to you who tell me to snap out of it and think of all the joy in life. FUCK OFF! I know my way home, it's just that I don't care to go there today, and tomorrow it's supposed to rain.
A day will come that I will seek light, but until then, I'm staying in the mud. I'll smile when you look this way, you have more important things to do than worry about me, this I know.
I told you I was eternally sad and lonely. Too tired to try a fix, too alone to care. Sorry Marcus Welby, there is no pill for that. No artificial flowers for me.
Comments (3)
I love you.
Life sucks. That is the blunt truth of it.
We have our good days and our bad, Some days we are happy, and others we are sad For some the sad days pass For others they last & last For you they may go away, but then again they could be here to stay
Life has its ups and downs, Some days we're all smiles, the next is all of frowns Some days it is hard to look at life in a good light, expecially when all you want to do is fight You cant let the past get you blue, because the past is the past, its over, its through
So no matter how you feel on the inside Always greet each day with a smile on the outside you may be feeling weary and sad it may be that you know the day will be bad But by smiling at least once each day You can then go out into the world and play
Just so you dont have to ask- No i cant write poetry. but it just kinda popped into my head when i read your site. So i am not going to tell you to perk up, or be happy and optimistic. Because my outlook on life is often the same as yours. In a nutshell: someone just shoot me, or let me just roll over and die. At least that is what i got out of your entry.
Make it a good day or not, the choice is yours.
Been there. Come back often. still remember being curled up on the bathroom floor at 3:00 in the morning, sobbing with a towel over my mouth so my husband wouldn't hear me....wishing I was dead.....and thinking that I lost my mind and was crazy lunatic because I had NO IDEA WHY I WAS BAWLING AT 3:00am on the dirty bathroom floor.
Comments are closed.