June 19, 2002

• Things feel better today.  They didn't start out that way.  I was irritable and Franny pushed me to the edge.  I snapped at him....again.  He's going through so much change and I have no right.  I felt like shit after the fact, justly deserved. 

  
  

  I told him I was sorry and hugged him when I got home.  I AM.

  
  

  I need to stop isolating myself.  I know this so well, but when I am sad and lonely I don't want to put anyone else through my hell, so I stay away.  Far away.  That's the worst thing I could do.

  
  

  I AM fun to be around.  I need people and people need me.  It's a good feeling that.  Need.  But not so much as to be needy.  ugh.

  
  

  I spent the day with Sharon again, she let me see my pics.  I was amazed at how beautiful I looked, I didn't think it would be so.  I shook my head and said, wow, is that me?  Yes, oh yes it is.  It's amazing what a professional photographer can do with a flower child in the forest.  I am indeed a little spree.

  
  

  Sharon is writing a book about girls like me, and her.  A book of beautiful flowers.  Women with HIV.  Women who are stigmatized, and hushified.  Not glamorized like someone with a respectable disease, like breast cancer or diabetes.  It's good to be with those that can relate, that know. 

  
  

  It was good to get out of the house.

  
  

  We cried together.  Not for our disease, but for Trish and my brother and the loss of their baby son.  We cried, and today those tears felt good.  I didn't cry alone.  We felt pain.

  
  

  I don't give this stupid disease much thought, power, or energy.  It's nothing but a thing, but there are so many around me that still consider it a deadly plague.  Stupid peeps.  And then there are the doctors, christ, don't get me started on that!  I told Sharon today that I am going to live and be healthy just to SPITE the fucking doctors and their conspiring ways.  The ones that tell you soon you will be sick, and fill your head full of horror, unless of course you take their toxic waste.  Great perks and vacations are just a prescription away.

  
  

  FUCK THAT!  I will LIVE just to spite their philosophies.

  
  

  I guess that makes me a spiteful bitch, but in a good way, hey?

  
  

  I haven't been nice.  Tom stopped by the other day.  He is cool peeps and I haven't seen him in over a year.  His brother died from AIDS, but he doesn't talk about that .....EVER, and I don't ask.  Tom cares a lot about me, and if we were not so close I might not have snapped, but I did.  It's the same old thing I have heard a million times.....

  
  

  "how are you feeling?" Tom asks

  
  

  "how in the fuck do I look Tom?  Do I look like I am dying?  Am I full of pus filled scabs?"

  
  

  "I'm sorry"  he says  "I guess I was just making small talk."

  
  

  Yeah, I know and I know and I know, but you cannot imagine how tired I get of people asking me that, and this time I blew.  I am not alone in that feeling either.  Needless to say, I think I have done GOOD by being mean.  I am more than just a disease.

  
  

  Jenny and I hung out on Father's Day and talked for a long time.   She is such a beautiful girl.  I still remember the day we met, she was 2.  We fell in love.  Jenny is 17 now and wow.....I don't think she has any idea how much she has touched my life.  I cry just thinking about it......

  
  

  Jenny liked what I did to my feet, so do I.  It helps me be calm.  She is coming over tomorrow to have me do some mehndi on her.

  
  

  I'm excited.

  
  

  

  
  

  I'm rambling tonight, and someday I will once again make time for you, the ones who come here and touch me. The people that I've come to know so well. Really, it's a total WOW and thank you, yes thank you.  Soon again I will frolic amongst my fellow xangaroos and spread merriment along the way, but until that day, thank you for your patience......I YOU!

  
  

  BE WELL.

  • 12:48 am
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