April 14, 2005

• He is at rest now.  He is full of Peace and I know he can see mountains now and climb them too.  I always wanted to take him to see mountains but he was too sick and frail to go far from home.  Still, I thought one day I could take Franny to see some mountains and ride in a boat or float in a balloon or take a train across the land.  Things he never did in his life, things I wanted for him.  He has them now and I know he is gobbling up every atom of health.

  
  

  I shall be so lost without my Franny Banany.  Indeed I already am.  Memories are burned into my brain and I can't explain why I can't let them go.  They are good memories, sweet times but I want more and I cry to think they are done.  I'm lucky I have so many good times in my memory banks but, I cry thinking they are no more.  And what am I going to do when I get to the stop sign and instinctively want to turn right?  Right into the love, hugs and laughter of my Franny Banany?  Curse that stop sign.  I cannot avoid it and indeed, I will probably turn from habit for many days to come.

  
  

  The tears and sadness come in uncontrollable waves and wash over me like freshly poured cement.  I can't move and can barely breathe.  I'm only feeling sorry for myself, I know, but jeez......he was my Franny Banany and I never wanted to let him go.

  
  

  I hate to see that Purple Truck.  He said he wanted a new truck before he died and I hated the day I saw him pull in with his new truck.  He was all puffed up and proud, but I was aching inside.  I knew and he knew and damn that purple truck, with the bobble head cow I firmly placed, I blame it all on you purple truck.

  
  

  Now the stress has set in and everyone is putting it on me.  I refuse to let it be done.  My Uncle was born into a family of 12 children and now there are only 3 left, my Father being the youngest.  I am not next in kin, he had dozens and dozens of nieces and nephews, some of whom were close to Franny, though none as close as me.  I cherish that, but still, everyone lays it all on me and I really have to say I am done.  I did everything and anything I possibly could for my Uncle when he was alive and never asked for a cent.  I didn't want anything, my rewards were his thanks, his smile, his love.  I know he appreciated me and his brother and sisters appreciated me too, they told me all the time.  It's a wonderful feeling to be appreciated and that is all I need.  But I have to say I am done now, I really do, I can't waste one more T-Cell fretting over the shit and I am not about to spend one more cent.

  
  

  But I will, and thanks to the screwed up parents I chose for myself in this life, I have to stress over their shit too.  I will need massive amounts of therapy now if I ever want to get beyond the shit.  Sometimes it feels like the whole world and the entire lot of shit and pain available is piled on me and I want to sleep forever more.

  
  

  I told Franny when he was alive, over and over again to get his affairs in order and update his will, otherwise it would all come back to me, and I deserved better than that.  Well he did everything but update his will, which he said over and over that he was going to do.  His will was 28 years old and my name is not even on it so......I am pissed and he knows it too, but I forgive him, truly I do.  However, like I said before, I am not going to bust my ass anymore, not without compensation, and trust me, I will calculate every cent.  Most of the people in his will are dead and the one's that are not never even bothered to send him a Christmas card or give him a call.  Indeed, they have no idea what an extraordinary man my Uncle was and that is too bad for them.

  
  

  I can hold my head high and proud, but I may need to find some foster parents soon and of course, a good therapist.  Send LIGHT!

  
  

  BE WELL.

  • 11:56 am
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